It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
