My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I need water and some morals
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
