i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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