I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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