i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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