Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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