Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
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