I am puke
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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