You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Randomize
