you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
