You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
