She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
