They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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