I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
