You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize