why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
