Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
