I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
How does it feel to date your dad?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
