I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize