i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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