Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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