this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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