can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
