Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize