My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
