is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
