I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
