I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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