i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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