dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
