Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
