I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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