bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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