I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize