I think im going to throw up on grandma
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
