we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
