I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
