i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Its about making memories worth repressing
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
