He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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