On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I don't deserve a penis
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
