When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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