Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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