these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
