My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
