I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I look better un-naked...
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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