he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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