Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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