you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Randomize
