We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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