I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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