Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
