I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
