i think i have two assholes
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
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