took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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