I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
