i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
