I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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