The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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