My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
