It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
