I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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